When Winston Churchill was defeated in his bid for reelection as prime minister, his wife consoled him with the thought that the defeat was a blessing in disguise. "If so," responded Churchill, " then it is very effectively disguised."
My friends all told me I'd never be anything but a failure at this business, so I decided to do something about it-I went out and made some new friends.
-------- Red Skelton
There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.
---- Kin Hubbard
A good woman is like a good bar, . .liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
---- Fred Allen
The nearest customer was five stools away, but that didn't keep Josh from leaning over toward the bartender and commenting, " Geez, there's a lousy smell in here." A few minutes later he added, "It smells just like. . .shit." Puzzled by the origin of the stench, he moved closer to the other customer, and sure enough the smell worsened. "Phew, you really stink," he pointed out.
"I know," said the man apologetically. "It's because of my job." Seeing that
Josh was interested in a further explanation, he went on, " I'm with an elephant act, and before each show I have to give the elephant an enema so he doesn't take a dump during the performance. Frankly, it's a tricky business, because I have to administer it quickly and then jump back. And sometimes I just don't move fast enough."
"Jesus," commiserated Josh, shaking his head. "How much do they pay you for this lousy job?"
"Eighty-five bucks a week," said the man cheerfully.
"You've got to be kidding. Why don't you quit?"
"What?" retorted the man, "and get out of show business?!"
---- Milton Berle
Just as the prisoner was being strapped into the electric chair, the priest said, "Son, is there anything I can do for you?"
the prisoner said, "yeah, when they pull the switch, hold my hand."
------ Dick Gregory
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary.
A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.
"Yep," replied the farmer. "Where are they?" asked the sheriff.
"Over there," replied the farmer pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt.
"You buried them?" asked the Sheriff, "Were they still alive?"
Replied the farmer, "They said they were, you know how those people lie."
------ Jules Feiffer
A man was complaining to his friend:
"I had it all. . . money, a beautiful house, a nice car,
the love of a beautiful woman . . . then poof! It was all gone."
"What happened?" asked the friend.
The first man replied, "My wife found out."
-------- H. L. Mencken
My friends all told me I'd never be anything but a failure at this business, so I decided to do something about it-I went out and made some new friends.
-------- Red Skelton
There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.
---- Kin Hubbard
A good woman is like a good bar, . .liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
---- Fred Allen
The nearest customer was five stools away, but that didn't keep Josh from leaning over toward the bartender and commenting, " Geez, there's a lousy smell in here." A few minutes later he added, "It smells just like. . .shit." Puzzled by the origin of the stench, he moved closer to the other customer, and sure enough the smell worsened. "Phew, you really stink," he pointed out.
"I know," said the man apologetically. "It's because of my job." Seeing that
Josh was interested in a further explanation, he went on, " I'm with an elephant act, and before each show I have to give the elephant an enema so he doesn't take a dump during the performance. Frankly, it's a tricky business, because I have to administer it quickly and then jump back. And sometimes I just don't move fast enough."
"Jesus," commiserated Josh, shaking his head. "How much do they pay you for this lousy job?"
"Eighty-five bucks a week," said the man cheerfully.
"You've got to be kidding. Why don't you quit?"
"What?" retorted the man, "and get out of show business?!"
---- Milton Berle
Just as the prisoner was being strapped into the electric chair, the priest said, "Son, is there anything I can do for you?"
the prisoner said, "yeah, when they pull the switch, hold my hand."
------ Dick Gregory
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary.
A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.
"Yep," replied the farmer. "Where are they?" asked the sheriff.
"Over there," replied the farmer pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt.
"You buried them?" asked the Sheriff, "Were they still alive?"
Replied the farmer, "They said they were, you know how those people lie."
------ Jules Feiffer
A man was complaining to his friend:
"I had it all. . . money, a beautiful house, a nice car,
the love of a beautiful woman . . . then poof! It was all gone."
"What happened?" asked the friend.
The first man replied, "My wife found out."
-------- H. L. Mencken
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